To Be Resolved

This is the time of year when I am always more resolved than others. I make resolutions and then get frustrated (sometimes even before I start) that I don't stick to them. Still, I feel compelled to come up with a list of things I'd like to change about myself and my life's routine. I'm not sure if it's some ingrained message that I must make resolutions or if the dark evenings and long nights make me more reflective of my laziness and disorganization.

Okay, I'm not that bad, but this time of year everything, including me, slows down. Yesterday, for instance, I had planned on reorganizing the kitchen cupboards (perhaps after seeing my mother's highly organized kitchen over the holidays), but found myself on the couch watching reruns of Law and Order SVU, many of which I had seen before. Eventually I fell asleep under the warm down and flannel blanket and woke up in time to feel the guilt of not finishing a task I'd set out for myself.

So I got up and cleaned the house. While it needed to be done, the kitchen cupboards remain in disarray this morning and I feel slightly guilty that I did not complete my goal.

Why then, would I choose to make a list of resolutions for 2010? It just feels like an invitation for failure.

Yet, resolutions this time of year feel compelling and so I find myself making lists in my head about losing the last 10 pounds I can't seem to shake, setting up a routine for morning stretches and meditation, joining a yoga class, and putting myself on a news fast to fight off that hopeless feeling every time I hear the stock market has dropped, terrorism is on the rise, and that the man that I voted for President is acting more like a Republican than the Progressive I so hoped he'd reveal himself to be.

But let's face it -- I am a tad bit OCD and making a list is as satisfying as making certain the picture frames in the house are straight or the ottoman is centered in front of the couch. It doesn't help that recently I went to the doctor for a much needed (and rather avoided) physical exam. Blood tests revealed that while my bad cholesterol is a bit high, by good cholesterol is stellar offsetting the bad effects of the cruddy stuff. And even though my blood pressure is moderately high, the fact that I don't smoke or drink and exercise far more than most my age, I am at a low cardiovascular risk.

Sweet.

But give a woman like me a high number - as in my bad cholesterol -- and you'll find it on her list of New Year's resolutions as "Eat Oatmeal!" When the doctor gives the same woman an order to monitor her blood pressure once a week, know that said woman will monitor it twice a week and religiously write it down in the handy-dandy little card given to her by the doctor. In addition, she will resolve to meditate in the mornings, take yoga classes at least once a week, and practice breathing in times of stress.

Though I might not write down my resolution list this year, it runs like credits in my head scrolling by me in a bright white on a dark background. I will be resolved even when I try to fight it. The trick is, as it always is, not let the resolutions fade by the end of January. That's a resolution I struggle keeping.

And yes, I know I am not alone.

To Write About Death

Death, they say, is a part of life. I get it. I know it, but still, until you have to deal with it -- the death-it -- it's easier to just talk about it as an elusive someday. But as I get older, the someday gets closer and I am forced to let death be a part of my life.

It started with Jim M., a man I thought of as a beloved Uncle, but who was more than that in many ways. He was substance and satire, sturdy and symbolic. If I were to pick one person out of all the family friends who would die first, I never would have picked him. Even though he smoked for a long, long time -- longer than he should have -- and even though he had one of those hard, round bellies cardiologists warn you about, I never would have picked him to be the first.

Probably in the whole scheme of things he wasn't the first, but for me, he felt more like the first than anyone else.

There were other deaths in between Jim M's and Ann's mom, but their impact was not of the same weight or significance. That sounds cold when I write it, but deaths have different weights, like a Richter Scale. While some are a magnitude of 5 and there is significant damage to lives and hearts, a magnitude 6 is ten times more significant and you feel that damage as if it were a thousand times more powerful.

Ann's mom, Genevieve, was in many ways a thousand times more significant, but for very different reasons. It was unexpected. It is unresolved. No one really knows for certain how she died, under what circumstances, and the clouds around her death will most likely remain there for years and years to come -- unresolved. Jim M's death was tragic, too. Asbestos the weapon, corporate greed the murderer.

That's what they share in common, I suppose -- what their deaths both share in common -- that they were both murdered though no one will ever truly be prosecuted for the crimes. No amount of reparations can replace either of them be it money from lawyers willing to settle or from estates spread from Mexico to France.

And then, Jim F. dies as unexpected as any of them, and I am consumed by memories of my childhood, of the days and weeks I spent with his daughter, my best friend, on their 20 acres in what was once a rural part of the county. Carrol, his daughter, had a huge influence on who I became as an adult. She was wildfire and I was water. She was a tiger and I was a kitten. She was the ascent from the highest peak and I was rock firmly resting on solid ground. She'd jump from a plane without a parachute and I wouldn't even step onto the plane. Night and day, but we balanced each other in many ways.

I think her father, Jim F. knew that. Though he was rarely around, rarely really in Carrol's life, he stormed through often and frequently enough that he knew I was the common sense to Carrol's irrational risk-taking. And for that, he treated me like a daughter. Not all loving and cuddly or even supportive and proud, but rather he smiled when he saw me and he'd occasionally give me a hug. He's ask about my life, check in on what I was doing, and he'd do so with the utmost sincerity.

I can't imagine what Carrol is feeling. Her relationship with her father was stormy at the best of times and tsunami-like the rest of the time. She feared him in many ways (I did too...perhaps more than she did), but she always defied him. She'd swing from one end of the teenage angst continuum to the other never resting in the middle, which is where her father would have liked her to land.

Still, he was proud of her, he loved her -- that was obvious -- but there was always the hint of cynical disappointment that his daughter didn't quite turn out like he'd imagined.

Of course, the dead get off easy. It's the living who must deal with all of these questions and doubts, losses and longings.

I've been trying to write a sympathy card to the Jim F's family all day, but I stumble over my own words. Yes, I am sad at his passing and even sadder that his family must now keep on living with all that baggage of their relationship with their father, husband, brother, but Jim F's passing is a 3 on my Richter Scale and I'm struggling to not feel bad about that. Maybe he should be a 5 or a least a 4, I keep thinking. Maybe if he were a 4 the words would flow more easily and the sympathy card would say what I need it to say.

Instead, I just keep thinking about that funny man -- the odd and scary one, too -- who had a biting wit and a quick temper. I keep remembering how we were forbidden to go into his study and how, as a kid, I thought for certain it was protected by an invisible electric fence. I keep remembering how, when Carrol and I would bake cookies or heat up soup, he'd gruffly tell us to "Clean the damn kitchen," or "Don't make a damn mess" and I find it hard to be gentle and thoughtful in my sympathy for his family.

To write about death is more complex than any other topic I've ever tried to write about. It has such layers, stretches to depths I can't quite grasp. It's tangled like roots and knotted together in complex twists my fingers hurt with the attempt to pull it apart.

Ann put a photograph of her mother on the wall in the study the other day. I know she needs to do this, but the other night I had to tell her that it was hard to work when Genevieve kept looking at me with her sad, tired eyes. "Perhaps we could find a different photograph," I suggested and Ann agreed. Ann's sister sent a photograph the other day with a note that said she, too, was trying to "bring up some fond memories."

That is all we are left with in the end, I suppose, shreds of memories that hold us up in the tumble of our grief. Too many are tumbling these days. I want to recall the memories, allow myself to remember fondly, but sometimes I find myself just shutting down. It's too much, I think, it's too much and I worry that this is just the beginning.

Death is a part of life. Death is a part of my life now more than ever and the future does not look promising.

And then I think of when I first heard the expression of Mother Jones who said, "Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living." I always thought that was a feisty bit of advice, but now, with these deaths of the past few years, I understand what she was saying in a much different way. It is the living who need us the most.

It is the living who I need the most.

Due Dates

Ann flies out tomorrow morning for Phoenix where she'll meet up with her younger sister for the 3 1/2 drive to Mexico. There they'll connect up with their mother's much younger boyfriend and they will divide up their mother's ashes.

Genevieve died Monday morning and our house has been about answering phone calls and Skype calls and emails -- from France and Mexico and Madison, Wisconsin. Ann spent all day yesterday in her classroom preparing lesson plans for the week and tonight admitted that she's lost her patience with demanding parents and energetic second graders.

Nothing's really hit her yet. At least, that's my unprofessional assessment. She cried on Monday morning just a bit, but has been focused every day on working, preparing, and making plans to travel to Arizona and then to Mexico. I know she'll cry eventually. She's not the kind who doesn't cry. She hates it when I tell her, but she's not a pretty crier so I can only imagine how ugly it will be when she really opens up and lets herself feel the loss of her mother.

And then when it hits her that her father is gone, too. They'll be a flood.

We're planning a memorial in early December in Phoenix. Ann has asked me to go with her then, but not tomorrow. When we made that decision it seemed like the best one, but now that I think about her in Phoenix and then Mexico absorbing it all and crying in that tight-fisted way she does, I wish I were going to comfort her.

But I don't think there is much comfort to be offered. Her mother died. Unexpectedly, but not necessarily surprisingly. Her mother's health had always been iffy and she was stubborn about her medications and doctor's opinions. You couldn't argue with her. She knew what she was going to do and there was no persuading her otherwise. She'd lived her whole life like that so it makes a kind of ironic sense that she'd die that way clutching her heart that she was convinced was perfectly fine even after all the doctors told her otherwise.

Ann is pragmatic, though. Unlike me, she doesn't hold onto things past their due date. She feels her grief with intensity and commitment, but when she's grieved, she moves on with sensitivity and practicality. I'm not sure I could do the same, but then I'm the person who holds onto way too much stuff long past its due date.

Still, I wish I could be there when the tears come just to hold her, just to listen, just to hand her tissues and remind her to breathe. That's the problem with her crying, really. She holds her breath for what seems like hours. Her face scrunched up and red it's like she'll burst. And then I say, "Breathe" and she laughs just enough to take some air in once, twice, and then holds her breath again and then I wait, nervous about how long it's been since her last breath and I say, "Breathe" and we go through the whole thing again.

Rubin is worried. He sees her packed bag by the front door and all night long he's curled up by her feet, wherever she may be, and sighs these big deep sighs. He's reminding her to breathe too. He wants to be there in Phoenix and in Mexico, but instead, we'll be here waiting for her phone calls, her Skype calls, her emails...waiting for her return.

This is the time of my life, isn't it, when people die? I've been lucky (if luck is really the right word) that not too many people I'm close to have died yet. There have been some, important people, but when I talk to others my age, my death statistics are a mere blip on the screen compared to others. Of course, that might mean that my blip, when it happens, spikes all at once. For now, my grief tank is pretty full compared to so many others.

Compared to Ann's.

Ann comes home on Saturday evening. I'll be there, of course, with open arms and the dog waiting in the car in the airport parking lot. She'll like that, to see the dog and know that she's coming home. She'll talk about the difficulty of it all -- finding the will, bringing home the ashes, seeing her mother's belongings, meeting the boyfriend for the first time. She'll talk about the stories she remembered with her sister and the hot weather in Phoenix and the hotter weather in Mexico. She'll talk about her Dad, remembering his death again. And she'll talk about her mother and the complicated relationship she had with her, they all had with her.

And I'll make potato leek soup again, from her mother's recipe, and bake fresh bread and on Sunday morning, we'll get up and I'll drive to the wonderful French bakery in West Seattle and buy a fresh baguette and some pomme chaussons for us to eat. I'll make her my best latte and rub her feet and later, when Rubin gives us that look, we'll go for a walk down by the lake and look for the turtles who like to bask in the sun.

It's November now. They'll be no turtles. It's too cold, but we'll look anyway. You just never know.

Gnawing

I like how Rubin deals with his frustrations. Take this photo where he's destroying a large stick with glee. I sometimes feel like I need a large stick on which to gnaw. Even the word "gnaw" sounds mighty appealing. It actually fits the action which it labels.

Currently, I'm still sort of gnawing on being "fired" by one of my dog walking clients. Everyone tells me not to worry. She'll pay me for last month's services and that will be that. But late at night (or early in the morning) I find myself still gnawing that stick. It doesn't matter what the gnaw is about, I just can't seem to let it go, which is funny because, in the middle of the day, when everything is rational and balanced, I'm actually glad to be rid of her. And her dog, too.

That dog was my most difficult walk and since I walked her every day, I started to dread the 1 o' clock hour. I liked her well enough, but the physical energy I had to exert to get that dog to focus on walking nicely was exhausting. A few weeks ago I got a massage from my favorite massage therapist. She started digging into my left shoulder when I flinched and gasped. "Sorry," she said, "But there's something deep here."

"The dog," I said only I named the dog and then I told her how hard I had to work to not be pulled down the street by this exuberant, out-of-control dog. Weird thing is, I really liked the dog. I mean, when she settled down and we got to walking, she was really quite fun and silly. But settling down and getting to walking sometimes took 50 minutes of the hour we were together. Sometimes, because I felt so sorry for her that she had to go back into her crate for another 5 hours after I dropped her off, I'd take her out for a longer time at no charge to the owner. That wore me out even more.

But today, when I was making a pear streussel and using the last of our tomatoes for a pasta sauce, I said to Ann, "I feel free knowing I don't have to walk that dog anymore."

Ann just kept correcting papers and so I added, "She really wore me out!"

"The dog or the owner?" Ann smiled without lifting her head up from the 2nd graders' spelling tests.

Good question.

So in those balanced moments like today, I'm glad my schedule has opened up more. I'm glad that my left side won't be pulled up and down hills, that I won't be jerked left to right or have to pick up large poos 5 or 6 times in one walk.

It's just at night when that I start gnawing on it all, replaying the whole thing in my mind again that I wish, like Rubin, I could just find a huge stick to destroy enthusiastically and then be done with it! Fall fast asleep in a little ball, my feet flinching with the memory of it all.

49 hours

My clock will be turned back one hour on Saturday night. I want to turn it back now, but then everything would be wrong tomorrow.

Still. Not everything has been right this week.

I want to turn it back now because I want time to turn back just a little. Not a lot. Just one hour of a little.

This has been a weird week. Ann's mother died at 5:30 Monday morning. We received an email from her ex-convict, Mexican much younger boyfriend. In broken English he wrote "your mother dead" and we sat staring at the screen like someone had just sent us a chain letter that we didn't quite understand.

Phone calls to Mexico and France and Phoenix and even to Peru. Arrangements. Cremation. Emails from her mother's Facebook friends. More phone calls. More emails.

Ann must buy a ticket to Phoenix, but not until her sister comes home from her vacation in Peru. They must make their plans. The day they drive to Mexico. The day they drive back to Phoenix.

Still Ann has not cried. She did at first, but only a little. Now it feels unreal. It's just a thought, not a reality yet. I know when she sees her sister she'll cry. They'll both cry and that will be good.

Meanwhile, I will stay at home until December when we will fly down together for a memorial. Meanwhile, I will continue working at the school in the mornings and walking dogs the rest of the day. The rest of the week.

Only one less dog since an owner "fired" me. A training dispute, she called it. Ironically, I was formulating a letter to fire her. So today, I didn't walk the dog I normally walk every day and I was happy about it. Well, sort of happy. I wasn't nearly as tired as I normally am on a Friday. I no longer have the dog pulling at my left arm, lunging forward on the wet sidewalks, making me worry that I'd slip on the slick leaves.

Yes, training differences. We can call it that.

And in between Ann's mother dying and the dog not being walked today were all these stupid worries that consume me at times, making it hard to sleep, making it hard to believe in myself, making me doubt the path I am on. Can my body take being a dog walker as a career? Can I make a living at it? I mean, I am making somewhat of a living, but I can't walk that many more dogs to increase my income. Do I really want to go back to teaching?

And what about Ann? She deserves time off, too. She deserves to find a passion and follow it. But we need her health insurance and her steady income. If I went back to teaching, even more part time than I already am, she might get that break and my body might not hurt so much from dogs pulling me down the street.

But it was only really one dog and now that dog is gone. I will miss her, but at the same time I won't miss the owner who thinks everything the dog does wrong is my fault. Yes, I am too excited and therefore the dog jumps on me and bites my hands or my collar or my hair. Yes, I am too excited. If I were calmer, she'd behave. Calmer like the owner only every time I see her with the dog, there is the same behavior -- the biting, the jumping, the crazy flaying and spinning.

Training differences. I should say.

So much is swirling around my head. Ann wants me to get angry and realize that this is for the best. No more dog that destroys my body. I want Ann to cry about her mother's death so I can comfort her. She must be sad. Or maybe not yet. Maybe it's not her reality yet.

It's so hard to figure out what to do next. That's why I need the extra hour so I don't have to anything next. The other 48 hours I'll do something -- mostly practicing letting it go -- but during that one hour I just want to sleep in or sit in the sun (if there's sun) or eat a waffle with blueberries or raid the Halloween candy one more time.

A 49 hour weekend. How blissful. Or so I hope.

On Second Thought

It crossed my mind today that maybe I don't want to be a dog walker. For those who know me well, this second guessing comes as no shock since I'm always doubting my decisions. But today, while walking only 3 dogs, I thought, "Maybe this isn't what I want to be doing."

Of course, I'm sick with some laryngitis thingy, am feeling overwhelmed by both teaching part-time and owning my own dog walking business, and have realized that owning one's own business means it's really difficult to call in sick. Perhaps this isn't the best time to be second guessing myself, but it's against my nature not to so here I go.

What I miss this year (as opposed to last year when I was just freelance writing and walking dogs) is the extra time I had in my life for things like cooking, cleaning, paying bills, and just thinking. I miss the thinking the most -- those quiet times in the morning when I could really stretch out and collect my thoughts. I don't have that anymore, which is probably partly the reason I am sick and partly the reason for my second thoughts.

So today I thought, "How do I get that back? How do I get that time back to write, to read, to think?" I could quit teaching, though that won't happen until next June since I can't really abandon my contract. Or I could quit dog walking and just teach part time. But here's the irony of it all -- dog walking gives me the physical stimulation I need as well as the time to really think about my writing and my life. Teaching sucks it out of me and by "it" I mean everything that grounds me.

Even this year. I'm only teaching a minimal amount and already it feels consuming. And the weird thing is, I'm not really into it. I go in, do my job, but nothing feels like it's on fire and that's the part I used to really like about teaching -- being on fire. Of course, being on fire is probably what literally burned me out because frankly, no one can sustain that kind of energy for very long. I'm living proof.

So now, between the walking dogs all day long and the teaching in the mornings, I'm back to that place I was before where there's no time for me. No time for thinking. No time to relax. No time to breathe. No time for doctor's appointments or going to the post office or shopping at the Farmer's Market.

No wonder I'm sick. And I know better. Don't make decisions when you feel crappy because the decision will always end up being crappy.

So I shall go to bed. I shall sleep. I shall shake this thing and get through what needs to be gotten through. No more second thoughts. I just need to find time for the first ones, then I can have the second ones!

I Just Had Ta

Each week I put in about 30-40 miles of walking with my dog walking business. My feet hurt by the end of the week. On Friday, I got a massage and my massage therapist said, "Do you walk on weekends?"

"Not usually," was my mumbled response since she always puts me in a state of such relaxation, it's hard to do anything but grunt and groan.

"Good, you need to give your body a rest."

It's true, but today I just had to go for a walk down by the lake and up through the neighborhoods. It's beautiful out there and with the promise of rain for the next few weeks, this seemed like my last chance for a shirt-sleeve walk and photographs. So armed with the dog, my camera, and my backpack we headed out for the lake and then up through the neighborhoods, about 5 miles in total.

While the lake was beautiful, the part I like the most about the walk is the passage through Sam Smith Park. Whoever designed that park needs continued accolades because it's the best kept secret in Seattle. The trees are blazing with color and the park invites you to just stroll and take your time. It leads to the tunnel over I-90 and down to the lake. I spend a lot of time in this park and I never tire of it. So today, I whipped out the camera and took photos of the trees, the park, and the views of Seattle.



I know I should have rested my body today, but really, I just had to walk this morning. The benefits of the walk had to outweigh the damage to my body. It just had ta!

Chagrin

Much to everyone's chagrin, I do not own a cell phone. I may be stupid in many ways, but I cannot tell you how much I loathe and despise them. It's like they rule everyone's life and they have become an acceptable excuse for being rude. How many people do you know, with whom you are carrying on a conversation, stop everything to answer their phone? No apologies, no turning it off and answering the message later, no, "do you mind if I get this?" Nope, they look at the phone and maybe, maybe say, "I'm sorry, I have to take this call from my brain surgeon," though more times than not, they take the call and stop all conversation.

Okay, I'm ranting. My rant comes from the fact that yesterday, as I crossed the street at a designated crosswalk complete with red lights and my own walk sign, I almost got run over by a woman who was looking at her cell phone while driving. I've seen this many times and have often yelled or worse while similar cell phone addicted drivers run red lights, but yesterday was beyond comprehension. I was halfway through the crosswalk! I had one dog walking on my right side, the other on my left. Luckily, they were close at my side and I had control of them because when I looked up (HALFWAY ACROSS) a minivan was moving on through the crosswalk with nary a drop in speed limit. I yelled, "Hey!" as loud as I could and the woman looked up from her cell phone as she passed me by and then waved.

Waved! Like "Oh hi, didn't see you!" Didn't see me? What about the red light you just blatantly ran? Or the two large dogs at my side. Or the fact that I had on a bright red shirt? Guess you can't see anything when you're LOOKING DOWN AT YOUR CELL PHONE!

Did she stop? Nope. Just a wave and she was off. The driver behind her stopped and from her car I could see her shaking her head. "I was almost killed here!" I wanted to shout. I wanted someone to notice the stupidity of it all, but instead, I made my way across the rest of the crosswalk to the park on the other side and burned my anger all the way home.

Okay, maybe this has nothing to do with my own refusal to get a cell phone, but I just don't want to become that kind of person - oblivious and over-multi-tasking. Friends call me on their cell phones, family members too, and if I can tell they are driving -- even if it's a hand held device -- I tell them to call me when they've stopped. God knows I don't want them hitting some dog walker in the middle of a cross walk.

Enough of my rant.

In my calm moments, I see the benefit of a cell phone especially as a professional dog walker. But the idea of it feels wrong. I mean, 15 years ago there were dog walkers without cell phones, right? They got along just fine, didn't they? Why is now any different?

My real dislike stems from the idea that we must be communicating or open to the possibility of communicating every second of every day. In other words, we keep ourselves busy -- dialing, texting, talking -- and why? Does it really make for better relationships? Does it really make us more connected? What I love about being a dog walker is that amazingly wonderful quiet time when it's just me and the dogs walking through whatever kind of weather happens to present itself that day. I can think about all sorts of things and not have to feel pressured to connect in ways that pull me into a million different directions. Even when I'm pulled into four different directions I feel ineffective. I can't imagine being pulled into any more.

I know cell phones serve a purpose. I know they aren't evil in and of themselves (though they are made from coltan mined in Africa by hungry teenagers and destroying jungle habitat), but they've somehow turned us into evil people. Okay, lady, you almost hit me. Couldn't you stop your van, get out and apologize? Couldn't you say, "Gosh, I'm so sorry. I was being stupid while talking on my cell phone. I'll never do that again!"

Or were you just too busy talking on the phone to give a #@% that you almost killed me?

My Mother's Daughter

My parents are both excellent cooks or perhaps the proper term these days, with all the cooking shows on, is chefs. My mother, in particular, spends the majority of her life in the kitchen. The rest of her time is spent campaigning for Democrats. While I admire her for both endeavors, I seem to have inherited more of her cooking side than her political side. Let's just say that politics gives me a stomach ache while cooking lowers my blood pressure.

So today, after a long, long week of teaching and dog walking, I needed to make something. I needed to relax and the best way I know of relaxing is to cook.

See, I am my mother's daughter.

It started with the desire to make these power bars that our friend Jessica once made for us when we went camping in Twisp (yes, there is a town named Twisp and the bakery...one of the best in the world in my humble opinion...is called the Cinnamon Twisp). These power bars were so natural, so organic I was certain that would grow roots out of my feet, fertilized by brown rice syrup, organic puffed rice, and steel cut oats.

Then Jessica left for India and I never got the recipe. Well, she's back now and today we made power bars complete with candied ginger, organic almonds and pecans, and yes, the infamous candied ginger.

As far as cooking goes, the power bars were beyond easy, so before Jessica arrived, I started to make chicken soup and prep for basil cream chicken pot pie. By the time Jessica arrived, I'd used every pan we own so we had to wash the dishes before we could melt the candied ginger with the brown rice syrup.


Now we're waiting for the basil cream chicken pot pie to finish in the oven complete with homemade biscuits on top. I've tried to help out by doing all the dishes, but let's just say, it's been a whirlwind in the kitchen. My mother would be (and probably is) proud.

Tomorrow there's a lot to do. Papers to grade, lessons to plan, billing to organize, dog walks to schedule along with cleaning the house and doing the weekly shopping. But I gave myself today -- no obligations, no commitments -- just an apron, a dirty pan, and some melted candied ginger!

Playing

"Dear Dog, she bought a new camera!"

The way things turned out -- my camera wouldn't work. Tried to fix it, but no luck. So, I decided to buy a new camera. In the course of buying a new one, I also bought a new battery for the old one and what do you know? The old camera now works AND I also have a new camera.

It's okay. Now that have my own (nice) camera, I won't hog the camera and Ann can use it more.

Lucky me.

I played with the camera and the settings yesterday and this morning. Here's what I'm learning...

This photo is on "fine" image. Later I turned to "standard" to see a difference. I like how the camera picked up the morning light as Rubin does his morning stretches.

Again, the light is defined really well and it captures the details of Quillette's whiskers on the left side (right in the photo) of her face.
This is a pot on our deck. I had on the telephoto lens. I think it would have done better with the standard lens, but still, lots of nice detail and pretty realistic with the colors.
I really get the feeling of morning in this photo, maybe because Ann's in her pajamas, but the eastern light highlights everything very well and I'm impressed that the camera picks that up.
We went for a walk up over the hill and I took this photo of the I-90 bridge or the floating bridges even though Quillette was pulling at the leash. This is NOT a "fine" setting, but rather "standard." Still, it picked up what it looked like with my eyes and did a nice job capturing even the details of the shade in which we were standing.
Coleman Pea Patch is the climb back up over the hill. Lots of shades of green. Can you see it?
Telephoto lens again. I like how the dahlias stand out against the green background.
Ann wanted to play, too so she fiddled with a few photos. This one turned out the best. I'm not darkened by the light over my head. Nice.
We stopped at the bakery at the top of the hill for some delicious bread pudding (the baker only makes it on weekends) and ran into an old border collie named Chance. Even the peeling paint on the door behind him is pretty vivid.

I think I'm going to really like this camera. Tomorrow will be the true test since I'll be taking photos of my students on a ropes course in the foggy morning (or so it's predicted) and then of my dog clients in the sunny (or so it's predicted) afternoon. And I get to test the action setting. Should be fun!

Lost to the Dogs

And here I stand

I've gone back to work teaching part time. These past two weeks, we've been in our classrooms, attending meetings, and doing all those little things that need to get done before the kids walk through the door. Every year of my teaching career (I'm about to enter into my 23rd), there are attempts to help teachers find balance in their lives. There are workshops and discussions, small group get togethers, and commitments by everyone to not work as hard this year as last.

Nothing has changed this year. In fact, we were all handed a leather journal and asked to complete a writing assignment that will be given to us every week. I have mixed feelings about this, but have decided to make the attempt.

The first topic of the journal is why I became a teacher. This is a difficult question for me to answer, but here's my attempt:

I was combing through photos the other day, clearing out my computer files of accumulations I really don't need when I came across a photo of Rubin, our dog, as a 9 week old puppy. He stood in the kitchen looking up at something, his round puppy belly covered in red curls, his tail straight up, and his ears perked and ready for action.

And then I laughed. The laughter came out of nowhere and caught me by surprise. He is now an adult version of that puppy picture in all respects except for his legs. In the photo, his body is about 10 inches in length, but his legs are about 3 inches high. Today, Rubin is all legs -- the tall, muscular legs of his poodle genes. But in the photo, I could barely find his legs and this is what made me laugh. Sure, I can see the adult Rubin in the puppy Rubin, but what I realized is that as he aged, his legs simply got longer. He literally grew up, his legs stretching tall lifting his body further off the ground with each passing month.

When I look back at my career as a teacher, I realize I am much like Rubin. I didn't have teacher legs. I had these little stubs that held up a form uncertain of my potential. I look back on why I became a teacher and I can't put my finger on any one moment or person that said, "You must teach" nor did I have any desire to teach. Not really.

My mother would disagree pointing out that as a kid I always liked hanging out with younger kids and as a teenager, volunteered to work at a school for autistic children all on my own. "No one made you do that," my mother would say. That may be, but I still don't remember saying to myself "I want to be a teacher."

I wanted to be a professional athlete most of my high school years and as a little kid, I wanted to dance on the Carol Burnett Show, but I the latter was more because I knew at a very young age I was gay though I had no language for it. I just had a serious crush on Carol Burnett. If I danced on her show, I'd be close to her.

I didn't go to college to become a teacher. Instead I worked in television news hoping one day to be an editor, which I thought would catapult me into film making. Then, after about three years working for an industry I have very little respect for anymore, I left, headed back to school and got my teaching degree. Looking back, I haven't a clue why I made that choice. I know I had some friends who encouraged it, I know I was fed up with my stressful job, I know I was at the end of tumultuous relationship, and I know I was always a follower more than a leader so somehow, someway I followed something other than my own initiative into teaching.

And the first years were anything but easy. Still that's when my legs grew, if you will, and 5 years later, then 10, then 15 I looked down and saw that my teacher legs had gotten longer and stronger. It was shortly after my 15th year of teaching that I could finally say to myself -- hey, I'm pretty good at this and really mean it. It was a bumpy, bumpy road up until that point and I still have moments when I doubt, in the deepest sense, what the hell I'm doing or have done with my life.

But these are my legs. Whatever path led me here, I've come to realize, was the right path. Just as Rubin was destined to be a long-legged dog even though he was born with stumpy short legs, there was some kind of voodoo working lifting me up into the teacher I am now.

And here I stand.

The World Asleep

I am sitting in my brother's dining room on his computer while everyone else sleeps. Even the dogs, each curled by my side, are asleep. I hear rumblings occasionally -- my parents' radio downstairs, my sister-in-law shuffling her slippered feet in the master bathroom, and the bird -- a loud cockatiel -- silent in her cage.

The loudest noise comes from the swallows who have nested in my brother's chimney. Every 15 minutes or so, they chirp in urgency. No doubt the mother had returned from a successful hunting trip and they loudly protest to be fed first upon her arrival.  

It's beautiful here, though the beautiful blue skies of yesterday have given way to gray. Still, the horses are in the pasture just beyond the fence line, the wide expanse of open fields dotted with groves of walnut trees stretches out before me, and the colors of summer -- wheat and green -- remind me of a pastoral watercolor. 

I am taking pictures, trying to lift my lens from the dogs and the landscape to my family. My mother with her gray curls for the first time in a long time not working in the kitchen; my father quietly sitting in the shade on the porch, smiling ever so slightly at our constant stories and witticisms; my sister-in-law who takes up work in the kitchen preparing meals, cleaning the counters, and discussing exact instructions for barbequing the halibut; Ann, my love, swinging in the macramé chair suspended at the corner of the deck, enjoying my family as much if not more than I am; and finally the dogs -- ours and theirs -- learning to co-habitat and share and occasionally chase each other around the yard.

This is not what I expected my life to be, but now that I'm here, I can't think of any other place I'd rather end up.  In the car ride down here, I told Ann that I was hesitant to say it, but my life feels golden right now. 

"I don't want to open myself up to disappointment," I explained and she laughed telling me to relax and appreciate it all.

I'm trying. 

Now, with the world around me still asleep, I'm letting myself settle in to the golden moments. And just as I feel my body sigh, a bathroom door opens, I hear more rustling from downstairs, and the world opens its eyes.

Oops, I'm Not Keeping Up

Summertime is always so much busier than I think it will be. I can't keep up. Ann's mom left yesterday morning and Ann morphed back into her real self -- relaxed, jovial, unhurried -- but the busy pace of the past few weeks keeps building and I'm not sure I can keep up.

Okay, so I'm blowing it all out of proportion, I'm sure, but still it's hard to find time to do all the things I want to do like hiking and lake swimming and cycling and visiting and let's not forget eating. Summer foods are my favorite. I must find time to eat, but not gain back the weight I've lost.

And there you have it: The paradox of summer. So little time, so many temptations.

Ann just set a slice of her beautifully delicious cherry clafouti down in front of me. What's a girl to do?

So here is my attempt at catching up. My favorite moments of the past two weeks captured digitally:

The best grilled polenta I've ever tasted...
Jocelyn and Maisy (cousins) sitting in a leather boat made by Maisy's dad out of two leather chairs pushed together. Who needs toys!
A magnificent lunch with my amazing parents who entertained Ann's mom for an afternoon -- yum and thank you!
The lunch was so good I had to sleep it off before we headed back to Seattle...
Ann's mom, Genevieve, stemming cherries that later she pitted (by hand) and from which Ann made three clafouti's, six jars of cherry/rhubarb jam, and still there's a bowl of pitted cherries in the fridge.
Visiting our good friends on Vashon where Rubin got to swim in the Sound (brrr) in the shadow of Mt. Rainier.
Swimming at Doris and Steven's house...
And there is that cute, cute Maisy again getting her diapers wet...
Oh and there is so much more...stay tuned. I'll catch up at some point!

A Father and a Day

The other night I woke from a bizarre dream. I was on a boat with my entire family right down to uncles and cousins and distant relatives on board as well. We were leaving. That was the sense. Not that we were going anywhere, but that we were leaving only something was wrong. Mom and Dad were not on the boat. We were still at the dock so I looked to see if I could find them and there they were -- my mother in the lead, my father right behind, and my sister behind him holding her little dog. My sister was laughing, my mom was waving, and dad was looking down at the water.

I thought Is he nervous about the water? Is his eyesight bad? Does he know the boat is about to leave? What does he see?

I knew they'd missed the boat, but I tried to make it up to the pilot house to let the captain know we needed to go back, that the whole family wasn't on the boat. But I couldn't find the pilot house or anyone else who worked on the boat so I stood on the stern and waved as the boat powered on its way. My mother was looking off in the distance, not in the direction of the boat, my father was still looking down at the dock, and my sister was still laughing, slapping her thigh as if she just heard the funniest joke.

No one waved back.

Then I realized it was all a dream. This happens to me often. In the middle of the dream I realize I'm dreaming and then I redirect the dream. This is my dream and I can make it do what I want, I say to myself and then whatever I want to have happen, happens.

So I made the boat go back to the dock. I didn't make it turn around. Instead, I made the boat back up or go in reverse so that I never lost sight of my parents and my sister. But once I'd realized it was a dream and that I had control of what happened, I woke up. My last image was of my father looking up from the dock and finally seeing me. He lifted his right hand slowly and ever-so-slightly gave a little wave then turned toward my mom and sister to let them know I was on the boat, but they didn't see me.

I'm never sure what dreams mean. I try to analyze them for some kind of meaning and with my father 81 years old, my mother 82, and my sister living across the country, there are a bevy of interpretations I could offer this dream.

I don't want to. Instead, I want to focus on the fact that I could get the boat to go in reverse with my thoughts alone. No need for a captain or a crew member, no need to find the pilot house or to alert any of my other relatives that our family was incomplete.

When I woke from the dream, I felt a combination of grief and confidence. The dream stayed with me for most of the day as we drove to my parents' house for the Father's Day weekend. I suppose it's rather ironic that my brother, who came with my niece, brought kayaks and we spent the first afternoon paddling the inlet where the current pushed us rapidly toward our parents' house. My brother and niece headed out on the boats first and as I stood on the shore waving to them, the emotions of the dream returned to me. I was sad, but hopeful. I was confident, but overwhelmed with the feeling that the tide was more powerful than my ability to change any course.

We had a great weekend despite my dream. We're boarding a cute dog this weekend named Argo, so he came with us as did our own dog, Rubin. They were both fun to have around with Rubin lying by my father's or my brother's feet depending on who was sitting in the living room. Argo hung out on the couch, but occasionally sat in dad's lap just long enough for a photograph.
We ate way too much (why can I never feel full at my parents' house?) and laughed a lot. We told stories, watched bad TV, and took naps.

That's how a Father's Day should be spent, I think, the sails not as full as they normally are, surrounded by a family all looking up.

A Matter of Money

Running my own business, a business dependent upon people and their money, has made me realize (though I realized it before just not this realized) we all look at money in very different ways.

Take for instance this client: Three cars -- two SUVs and a sports car -- one BMW, one Mercedes, and one Honda. There's money there, yes? Or perhaps it is locked up in car payments. Hard to say, but three cars and two people makes very little sense to me. Okay, there's a small child involved and an even smaller dog but the small ones can't drive. So while each adult drives a car, one car sits. The client said to me, rather off hand, "I'm not sure why I bought that BMW."

I'm thinking: Sell it.

Instead, I am asked to cut my rate for dog sitting. Not by 10% or 20%, but by 60%. Only, they didn't ask me directly. They accidentally "replied all" on an email and I got to see the request from wife to husband. "Perhaps we could negotiate the price?" she wrote and then offered a sum for seven days of work, a sum 60% less than what I'd normally charge.

I would have offered them a discounted rate since I know seven days is a long time and times are tough. I usually do this, but I wasn't afforded (interesting word) the opportunity. And it's hard to imagine cutting my rate by 60%.

Not when they have three cars in the driveway, two of which cost more than the full-time salary I made as a teacher.

Not when I inadvertently receive an email asking to negotiate my rate.

Or take a look at this client: Large house on the water. In large I mean at least 4000 square feet. Four cars which includes a Volvo for their daughter. Really nice people. They never once questioned the rate I charged for pet sitting their dog.

Okay, that works for me. I clear my calendar to make room for their dog since I only sit one dog at a time. Now they may want the dog back earlier, which means I cleared my schedule of potential clients who would pay me for the whole time in exchange for a dog who won't be staying with me for as long as scheduled.

Not a big deal to them...they get their dog back, but I'm out money. Money I could have earned from someone else.

I can't figure out if they just assume I have enough money and dog walk and pet sit for fun or if it never crossed their mind that $100 carries more weight with me than it may for them.

Or maybe it's both.

Or maybe it's neither. Maybe it's something entirely different. I can't tell, but in both instances I would not make the same choices.

I know this makes me sound as if I think I'm better than them, which is not my intent, but still may be how it comes across. I wouldn't own three expensive cars nor cheat my dog walker out of the rate she quotes me. I might cancel my boarding dates, but I'd expect a cancellation fee or even offer to pay part of what I'd agreed to pay originally.

What I've learned is that people with money and people without have a very different view of the world. I have one client who I know scraps together the money to pay me every month AND they include a tip. I have another client who balked at a rate increase, which was still half the rate I normally charge and yet every month she flies to San Francisco or New York because she "has to get away." And she NEVER tips. NEVER.

Money makes my stomach hurt. It always has. Funny how I end up here, dickering over money with people who view it very different than I do.

One View

Phoebe on the right with her fellow PhD friends.

Now that I'm 50 years old, I look at the world differently. It was inevitable, I suppose and I know I'm not the first 50 year old to feel this way, still it's curious to look around and assess the world from this misnamed halfway point.

Last night was our friends' daughter's (Phoebe's) PhD celebration at her parents' house. Doris and Stephen are like family and therefore by extension, Phoebe and her family are part of ours. For me, Phoebe represents energy -- the kind of energy I don't think I ever had even when I was her age (early 30s). In the past 5 years she has gotten married with a large wedding at her parents' house, she had her first child, and completed her PhD in Philosophy and Anthropology with a focus on shell fossils.

Just writing that paragraph made me tired. Was I that ambitious 20-25 years ago? I don't think so, but I know I could stay up later than I can now. I know my body didn't hurt as much as it does now. And I know I could eat a helluva lot more than I can now and not suffer the consequences.

But then I look at Phoebe's mom, the Grandmother to Phoebe's daughter Jocelyn. Doris is in her mid-late 60s and seems to have more energy than Phoebe. Two days a week she provides daycare for Jocelyn and two other days a week she provides daycare for her other grandchild, Maisy (only a few months older than her cousin Jocelyn). Occasionally she watches Elliot and like one of those relationship mazes, he is the son of her son-in-law's brother and his wife.
Elliot has a new baby sister, Penelope and while she has yet to stay with Doris and Stephen, her other Grandmother steps in.

This, I suppose, is what everyone thinks about when they define nuclear family and even though it's gotten a bad rap as of late, it's a pretty sweet deal. Everyone seems extremely happy with the arrangement. In addition to all the daycare, there's a weekly evening meal where the whole lot of them get together for a massive dinner that includes food fit for the vegetarians and the carnivores, the lactose intolerant and the gluten-free dieters.

Is this what I want in my life? No. I'm happy. I'm content. I like the relationship I have at home with Ann, with my friends, and with my biologicals. It all suits me and it does not wear me out...well, not on a weekly basis. But mine is just one view of family; Doris and Steven's is another view. Theirs suits them as much as mine suits me.

Yet, like a Venn Diagram we cross, sharing a family space of commonalities. Their family represents energy and laughter, and accomplishments. Mine represents the same laughter, but it's much more relaxed and settled. There aren't big things to get accomplished and though my niece may end up with a PhD at some point in her life, no one is working on such accomplishments while getting married and then getting pregnant.

Phoebe's homemade PhD cake (made by her mother, Doris) representing the three degrees of the three candidates - fish, charcoal and shells...yes, all edible.

Blueberries

I am eating fresh blueberries. I am in heaven.

There are two dogs fast asleep beside me. One is my own -- Rubin and he is tired after a big romp at the off-leash park including swimming in the river. The other is Marley who, if I didn't already have a dog, would try to adopt. That's the trouble with my work. Dog walking introduces you to many dogs as well as their families. Most families of the dogs I walk are responsible owners, but every once in awhile I am asked to walk a dog whose circumstances pain me.

Marley is such a dog and although I was never asked to walk Marley (I offered), it's very hard to put him back in his yard knowing he will spend the rest of the day (and night) there without much human interaction.

And so, as comfort, I am eating blueberries while he sleeps. I'm not sure if it comforts Marley that I eat berries, but he must feel how delighted I am in their sweet tartness and fleshy juice.

I have yet to see Marley settle down. This is a first. Usually, he is all over the place peeing to his heart's content as he is not yet neutered (yes, part of the neglect he faces in his life). I rarely bring him inside the house for fear he'll lift his leg on anything that smell like Rubin. Occasionally, like today, I'll let him in the house on a leash and then he walks wherever I walk. Now that I am at the desk, he has no other choice but to be here with me and so he's relaxed into a nice nap and I have let the leash relax as well.

There is nothing like a contented dog.
There is nothing like a neglected dog.

Both pull at me emotionally and thus, the blueberries.

Marley does not belong to the neighbors up the street. They are watching him for some friends. Since Marley is used to activity in his life, sitting on the back porch all day (and night) long is very boring so he jumps the fence and comes to our house. They've fortified the fence as best they can and while I've agreed to walk him for 30 minutes a day, he ends up getting much more than what the time I'm getting paid.

How can I turn him away?

He goes back to his real home tomorrow afternoon and I'm hoping the whole out-of-sight-out-of-mind effect kicks in. It will be nice to walk by the neighbor's house and not have to see the bored dog howling at me from the back porch.

But I shall miss him. He's a really wonderful dog -- so smart and loving and willing to please -- it's a shame he hasn't found a better home in this life. A home with loving owners who take him everywhere they go, train him to do tricks, and teach him to swim and fetch and roll over on command. A home that feeds him better food than kibble from the grocery store, who allow him to suck on frozen marrow bones, and toss blueberries in the air so he can catch them.

Maybe he'll find his blueberries in the next life.

Hot Tamales

It's warm out, though not as warm as yesterday and the day before. Still, standing on our neighbor's porch making tamales was sweaty business!

This Summer I Went Swimming

My parents tell me that when I was a kid, I took to the water like a fish. I'd leap off the side of the pool and into someone's waiting arms so repetitively, they grew tired before I did. It's no wonder then, that our son (read DOG) likes to do the same thing -- swim, leap, and splash.

And it's no wonder that one of my favorite songs is called the Swimming Song:

"This summer I went swimming, this summer I almost drown
But I held my breath and I kicked my feet
And I moved my arms around, moved my arms around"
(best version sung by Kate and Anna McGarrigle, but written by Loudon Wainwright)

Yesterday was hot and now that my life is spent primarily outside (as a dog walker) and I am approaching my menopause years, I get hot in the sweltering heat. For instance, yesterday was not only a full day of dog walking (8 dogs in total), but it was our first 80 degree day. While those who live in Phoenix may laugh at 80 degrees, for those of us in the PNW 80 degrees is record breaking heat. And since it was the first day of such heat, no one was prepared for it. Remember, we are the people who rejoice when it's 60 and bask in the "heat" of such a day by wearing shorts.

So, when I began the walk with my last set of dogs, my destination was the lake even though I knew that the lake was at the bottom of a very, very big hill. Going down to the water wasn't a problem for any of us, but going back up was quite a climb. Even the dogs had to stop in the shade and catch their breaths.

Lucky for them, though, they'd gotten into the lake (I did not) so they were quite a bit cooler than I when we made the climb back up. I was beat red and drenched in sweat by the time we arrived and even the air conditioning in the car couldn't cool me off fast enough.

I had to laugh yesterday when Rubin, Monty, and I got into that warm car. I blasted the air conditioning while Rubin and Monty jockeyed for the perfect position, which for them is right between the two front seats since that's where the cool air is felt the best. Like an old married couple both sweaty and hot, Monty would push his larger body into Rubin's trying to get him to move over and Rubin would growl as if to say, "Don't touch me, I'm hot!" Once they got their positions settled, they sat sphinx-like side-by-side with their tongues long and panting. It was quite a sight.

So when Ann got home shortly after our last walk, I asked if we could go to our friend's house for a swim. "Great idea!" Ann agreed and we piled the dogs (yes, Monty was still with us) into the car and drove straight to the pool. I wore my wetsuit because the pool is unheated and we haven't had enough warm days to really heat up the pool, but I was pleasantly surprised when I jumped in the pool and felt refreshed.

Monty and Rubin were, too. They both donned their own "wetsuits" and I helped Monty swim since he struggles as a swimmer and also has a sore front leg. (This was not only a refreshing break, but a therapeutic one as well.)

While Monty practiced his crawl stroke, Rubin swam around and around thrilled to be in a cool pool and with his best friend.

Thanks mom and dad for spending all that time with me years ago while I perfected my addiction to water. I'm sure I tested your patience.

"This summer I swam in the ocean,
And I swam in a swimming pool,
Salt my wounds, chlorine my eyes,
I'm a self-destructive fool, a self-destructive fool.

This summer I swam in a public place
And a reservoir, to boot,
At the latter I was informal,
At the former I wore my suit, I wore my swimming suit.

This summer I did the backstroke
And you know that's not all
I did the breast stroke and the butterfly
And the old Australian crawl, the old Australian crawl.

This summer I did swan dives
And jackknifes for you all
And once when you weren't looking
I did a cannonball, I did a cannonball.

This summer I went swimming,
This summer I almost drown
But I held my breath and I kicked my feet
And I moved my arms around,
Moved my arms around."

Scheduling

When I first began teaching, seasoned veterans of the profession told me that my success depended on being organized. I've always seen myself as a scattered person, so I've never felt that organization was my strong suit. Then I got to meet people (teachers among them) who were extremely unorganized and I realized I was pretty good at it.

Pretty good, not great.

Pretty good, meaning not my mother. Of course, when one has the high standard set by one's mother then one will never see themselves as organized.

But this is beside the point. Now that I own my own business, my "pretty good" organizational skills come in handy. Right now, for instance, I have sticky notes on my computer telling me when to walk which dog, right down to the last minute. If I don't do this, I wake up early in the morning worrying about timing.

Today is not as packed as tomorrow, but today I have an afternoon interview and then Rubin's agility class 45 minutes out of town. Those solid and scheduled appointments remove any flexibility in the day. Luckily, there are only 5 dogs to walk today. Tomorrow there are 8, but I have no afternoon commitments so my time is a bit more flexible.

This matters to no one but me (and Rubin, of course) though it obviously matters to me a lot. My free time -- time when I'm not expected to be somewhere walking one dog or another -- isn't really free at all. I must keep up with billing, since I blog about the dogs every day, I must keep up the blogging, and since I take photos of the dogs every day, I must catalog and sort the photos at least once a week. This takes time and right now I'm feeling pinched for time.

No, let me rephrase that: I'm feeling what I always feel when it comes to organizing my time -- I'm feeling as if my priorities are all wrong. My mornings are spent with this internal dialogue -- should I do this first or this? Should I read the newspaper or get right to work transcribing interviews? Is there time for a Sudoku puzzle or should I really organize photos?

At 4 this morning I woke thinking, "I need to pay bills" and after the shock of remembering, I tossed and turned for an hour thinking of all the things I need to do in addition to paying the bills. "This is ridiculous," I told my sleepy, worried self. "You'll get it all done, you always do. Sleep. You need sleep."

Eventually I fell back to sleep and first thing this morning, I paid the bills, organized my invoices, cataloged my photos, and re-considered my walking schedule so I might be more efficient with the car. Oh yeah, and wrote a check for the agility class tonight.

Of course now that I've listed all of that out, more things have popped into my head: Get the walking gear together -- I won't need rain gear, but I need two extra leashes. Replenish the poop bags in my backpack. Put the photo card back in the camera. Get a new video tape, too for the interview this afternoon. Get everything ready to go for agility class like special treats to really motivate Rubin.

When will I have lunch? Better make a sandwich to nibble on in the car in between dog walking.

See? I'm pretty good at organizing, but that Ferris wheel of spinning details keeps turning and sometimes, sometimes I want to get off. I woke this morning thinking it was Saturday and then realized that no, it was only Thursday. Can't really get off the Ferris wheel until then...but even then, I've already got a list going -- reorganize the pantry, wash the windows, buy a new fridge (Ann's idea) which means cleaning out the old fridge, make an appointment to service the car and the scooter, clean the house, pick up some more pet food and treats...blah, blah, blah.

I wonder what unorganized people think about?

Arnold's eyebrows

I read the newspaper online this morning and was presented with a photograph of Arnold the Terminator Governor's face. He dyes his hair apparently because his eyebrows were not even close to the color of his hair and each eyebrow was speckled with gray.

Hmmm. Curious. While his State is living in catastrophic debt, I doubt he is suffering financially. Has his house been foreclosed? Has his credit card raised his interest rates? Is he stuck at home on a "Stay-cation?"

I think not.

So, can't he afford an image specialist who can advise a different course of action - don't dye your hair at all so your eyebrows and your hair color actually look like they came from the same head or if you're going to dye your hair, let's dab a little on your eyebrows.

Apparently not.

This is trivial, I know. There are so many other things going on around the world that I waste precious time focusing on Arnold's grooming. Hell, there are so many other things going on in my life the amount of wasted time feels monumental.

But sometimes I don't want to focus on anything truly important or meaningful. Sometimes that feels like a waste of my time. Like this morning, when I tossed and turned at 5 unable to sleep. Too much to think about followed by a hot flash that not only raised my body temperature, but also fueled my worries. Or last night, after my sister called and Ann asked me what she had to say. "Where do I begin?" was my response. It was too much, simply too much to retell.

There is a lot of walking I must do today. Six dogs are on the schedule including two new dogs who do everything but walk. A Basset Hound and Beagle, they are all about their noses and so it's walk a few steps and then throw nose to the ground for a good five minutes. I'm going to take Rubin with me in hopes that they will want to smell him enough that as he moves, they'll move. We'll see.

I have an interview this afternoon for an article I'm writing followed by a much needed haircut. I have turned into Elvis with my hair poofed up on my head like an evangelist. "The taller the hair, the closer to God," my stylist always jokes.

These are the things I want to think about -- which dog to walk first, who to walk with whom, the interview, my haircut, dinner, and yes, Arnold's weird eyebrows. I want them to push out the things I don't want to think about -- mainly my sister's needs and her inability to tell me something only once, not seven times in a given hour.

Clear my mind, clear my mind. Breathe and breathe and breathe. Focus on the eyebrows. Focus.

The Art of Exercise

I walk a dog named Gerta. I was hesitant to walk her because she is part pit bull and with all the bad press, I didn't want to take my chances. Meeting her helped calmed my reservations a bit especially when she licked my hand and rolled over on her belly within the first minute, but for the first few weeks of walking her I didn't do much out of her normal routine. We walked through her neighborhood just the two of us -- no other dogs allowed.

The more I got to know Gerta, the more I realized my fears were unfounded. She's very sweet, though she has a habit of being very destructive. When I arrive at her apartment, there is usually a mess scattered about and not of the owners making. Gerta gets into things. Boxes, garbage, and her current favorite -- leather boots. The other day I arrived to three pairs of boots tossed about on the couch with huge chunks ripped out.

I am not Gerta's full-time dog walker. I am simply helping out the regular guy who is out of town for the next few weeks. How much should I get involved? Well, this is my problem: I could care less about the owners. My sole concern is the dog.

So here is a dog -- a sweet and wonderful dog -- who is obviously bored silly. Or should I say, bored into destruction. I walk her for only a half hour, but she needs more. Lots more. I kept counting the weeks until my temporary job of walking Gerta would be over and I could pass her back to her permanent dog walker, but when I saw the boots and the obvious boredom, I stepped in.

This is what makes me a bad business owner. I'm walking Gerta for about 45 minutes each time though I'm paid for 30, I've strapped on a weighted pack to her strong back, and yesterday I introduced her to my own dog, Rubin.

Rubin is funny when he first meets dogs. He hates it when they come at him to smell his face and ears or his butt. He backs away and gives a little growl as if to say, "I hardly know you! Back off!"

Once we get to walking, he's perfectly fine and his aloof nature comes in handy. He ignores the other dog, which in the case of some dogs, is perfect. Teabiscuit for instance. (Yes, that's the name of another dog I walk.) She's scared of her own shadow and another dog is trauma to the nth degree. When she met Rubin she raced to the end of her leash back towards home, but after a few walks together, Teabiscuit keeps a wary distance from Rubin though will occasionally walk beside him. Now in fact, when other large dogs approach (and all dogs are large compared to teeny weeny Biscuit), she hides behind Rubin for protection. Rubin's aloofness makes Teabiscuit feel more comfortable.

It doesn't have the same effect on Gerta. Gerta wants to play and Rubin, since he has yet to really know her, does not. But once they are walking together, once we're all moving forward, well Rubin's disinterest calms Gerta down. Combined with the weighted backpack, we successfully tired her out yesterday. 15 minutes into the walk she was panting and by the time we got back to her apartment, she was ready for a long nap on the couch.

This is the art of exercise. I don't care about all the disagreements people/trainers have with Cesar Milan, the Dog Whisperer, he has done a great job focusing America's attention on exercise. His phrase -- Exercise, Discipline, then Affection -- are words for dog owners to live by. Even the other TV personality -- Victoria Stillwell of It's Me or the Dog -- stresses the importance of exercise.

Still, so many people don't get it. They keep their dogs in their backyards and feel as if that's enough. It's not. For Gerta, who doesn't have a backyard, the apartment is a house of boredom. Her owners run her in the morning and take her to the dog park in the evening, but she spends long hours alone during the day. She's smart and strong and you can bet a leather boot looks interesting.

If I were a good business owner, I'd pressure the owners to hire me for an hour instead of half an hour, but Gerta is a temporary client and I'm not the kind of person to push an issue. Instead, I walk Gerta for a longer time and don't charge for it, I bring a pack to weight her down, and I try to offer her stimulation she normally wouldn't have -- like walking with other dogs or hiding homemade dog cookies in her puzzle toy.

Gerta's owners are good people and they are doing what they can to help her out. They didn't seem the least bit upset about the torn leather boots and are appreciative of the extra attention I'm paying to Gerta. They clearly love their dog. I also know that people can't give their dogs 4 hours of exercise a day (often what Rubin gets since he is a dog dog walker...though Rubin still has issues), but if I had one wish granted in this world it would be that every dog in the US (the world?) could be exercised regularly. Imagine what an impact that would have on humans as well?

Today is another busy day. I'm tired and glad it's Friday. Rubin's tired too, but the day is scheduled with 5 dogs and a few errands. Rubin will accompany me on most of it, but not all. He needs his rest, too. Certainly, he'll walk with Gerta again today though I think I'll give Teabiscuit a break and just walk her alone. She'll like that.

Thankfully it's sunny today and I'm looking forward to walking in the warmth instead of the cold and rain of late. I, too, need the exercise.

Painting Myself Into A Corner

I have submitted my 2 week notice to my retail job. I do this with a bit of trepidation. First, the summer months will be financially lean as I will be solely dependent on my dog walking business. Next, I worry about my choice to quit which was precipitated by an offer to return to my teaching job (part time, not full time). Finally, I will have a lot more time on my hands -- something that makes me a tad bit nervous.

Dog walking is going well. It is a job that ebbs and flows. I have some steady clients (about 6 dogs a week) and then I have additions -- covering for another dog walker, for instance, or walking dogs for people who are in a temporary need. The additions are not permanent though there is always a chance they may well be. I'd love to have more permanent clients, but with the economy being what it is, hiring a dog walker has moved down the list of priorities for most people.

My freelance writing job will end after the next newsletter due June 1 and that will fold into my return to teaching beginning in September. I am excited about the chance to continue writing for the school, but I'm a bit nervous about my return as a part-time teacher. On the one hand it will be a great way to practice maintaining my boundaries, but on the other hand, it will no doubt tap into my quirky perfectionism -- the need to make every lesson plan and assignment meaningful.

After four hours of retail work last night, I couldn't sleep. My body aches after a shift and so I tossed and turned and my brain shifted into worried thinking. I spent a good part of the morning trying to put my finger on the core of my worry and the best I could come up with is that feeling of not knowing what will come next.

After 22 years of teaching, I decided to leave because I knew EXACTLY what was going to come next and none of it felt new or different or motivating. Now I'm on the other side of the feeling. I should be excited and in many ways I am, but I am also nervous. At the center of my nervousness is the need NOT to get stuck in the predictability of my career or, as the title of this blog suggest, not to paint myself into a corner.

And there, perhaps, is the prickly conundrum I'm feeling: I want the possibility of the future to outweigh the uncertainty of the future. I want that edgy feeling of having to make my own way in the world, but not the nervous anxiety of not knowing which way to head. The greatest difference between my life as a full-time teacher and my life now as a small business owner is that most of my work today revolves around making more work. As a teacher, most of my work was wading through mountains of work, most of which was not generated by me. It came from all the expectations outside my classroom -- the meetings, the committees, the institutional desires to document and explain and justify.

Each side of this dilemma has benefits. There is as much comfort in predictability as there is frustration and disappointment. Equally, there is as much thrill in making my own was as there is worry and anxiety. The cliche of one day at a time has some weight in this dilemma. I find myself saying, "Today is good. I have what I need. I'm doing good work. I am happy and content."

To live inside that moment with a bit more permanence is the dance I find myself doing of late. I suppose I should trust my history -- the more I am open to possibility, the more possibilities open up for me.

Meanwhile, there is rain again today. If it weren't for the leaves on the trees and the slightly warmer temperatures, it would feel like November. They say it will dry up soon and I'm looking forward to that. I'm looking forward to a lot of things of late, but walking dogs in the sun feels like a small comfort on which to begin.

The Champ of Shame

Prison Dog

I can really beat myself up if given half a chance. It doesn't take much, but when I do something really worthy of a good beating, I am the champ of shame.

Here it is: I made a big mistake 10-days ago and the reverberations of that mistake have made it difficult to sleep, difficult to feel fully happy. It seems silly now, but the decision to let Rubin off leash when I knew (I knew!) he wouldn't behave burns in the pit of my stomach. The result? He antagonized two nasty dogs so much that one of them bit his owner. But that's not the worst of it. The worst of it is that she (the owner) wasn't sure who bit her and then she called the police.

Yes, the police ... who in turn called Animal Control. A nice officer showed up at my door and put Rubin under house arrest. It was called quarantine, though I had an option to keep him locked up here at home versus letting the nice officer haul him away. So for ten days, he's been unable to step outside the confines of our fenced yard.

This is a dog who walks with me everywhere. We log about 5-7 miles a day. He swims in the lake, runs through the wooded trails, and visits his dog friends all over the city. Under house arrest no dogs (or humans) were allowed in and Rubin wasn't allowed in the car to go anywhere.

It was torture for him and it was torture for me --torture doubled, in fact, because I understood why the situation was the way it was, but he had no idea. When I left the house and he stayed behind, he was confused and uncertain. As the confinement progressed, his mood changed. He became more stubborn. He refused to do things like come inside from the backyard or lie down when asked. He ripped things up. This is a dog who rarely ripped anything up yet there were toys he'd ignored for months torn to pieces. He whined at me. He stood at desk while I tried to work and begged with his eyes, with the cock of his head, and yes, with his moaning questions asking me to explain what the hell was going on.

Rubin is, if anything, a dog of routine. The woman who sold him to us warned us -- he'll grow to like habits. The habit has always been the same -- slow mornings, long walk, visits with other dogs and friends, more long walks and excursions on hikes, trips to the lake, and scheduled play dates at off-leash parks. A dog's life -- food, fun, friends, frolicking.

All of the sudden the routine changed -- still slow mornings, but then I left...without him. I came home, we played in the backyard until we were both panting and then I'd have to work at the computer or leave for an errand. He stayed behind. He never stays behind.

And every night I'd lie in bed stewing about my stupidity. I made the mistake yet he paid the price. He didn't bite anyone nor would he (unless threatened, but even then I'm not so certain). But here he was, stuck in the house and our small backyard wondering what was up with the major change in routine.

Forgiving myself has always been difficult. The forgiveness needed for this mistake is mountainous and I have yet to make my way up its slope.

Perhaps today will help. Rubin is free today and as soon as I take a shower, we're going out for a long, long walk -- down to the lake, up through the park, all along the ridge and to every doggie friend's house we can think of.

Perhaps that will set me on the path up the mountain of shame.

The Other Half of the Story

We watched the Sound of Music the other night. Not all the way through. During commercials of one show, we'd flip over to the movie taking bets on which song we'd hear, which scene we'd watch. "Somewhere in my youth or childhood," I sang to Ann, "I must have done something good." Flip the switch and there was Julie Andrews in the arms of Christopher Plummer singing that very song. Followed by the short but regal wedding with the nuns "trapped" (Ann's word) behind the iron gate watching the problem like Maria dragging her ridiculously long veil down the aisle toward the handsome Captain.

"I always thought the movie ended here when I was a kid," I told Ann. "And then in college, I watched the movie again and was astounded that there was this whole other escape-from-the-Nazis part of the movie."

Ann laughed at me a little and then said, "I guess it makes sense. The happy ending is a lot easier to remember than the stress of real life."

The next day, I had to go to my part-time retail job for a short shift. I've been thinking a lot about quitting, which is probably stupid given the recent economy, but it's hard to put in a whole day of work walking dogs, researching writing projects, and finding time to write them and then stand on my tired feet for four or five more hours in the evening. But I won't quit, not yet. Not until my business is a bit more firmly established or something else opens up.

Meanwhile, I am a part of a retail community distinctly different than the educational communities I've been involved with most of my adult life. The best way I can describe the difference is that both jobs take themselves too seriously, but I understand teachers carrying a greater burden of responsibility than that of retail employees whose sole responsibility is selling expensive camping equipment.

But there are a lot of similarities and the one I find most interesting are that they both are filled with gossip. It was easy to get sucked into the rumors of teachers, but I laugh at the gossip of retailers. "Did you hear what happened to L?" a fellow employee told me the other day and without any response from me, she said, "She was fired for having an undisclosed relationship with N."

When I was hired, we had lots and lots of trainings. One hour alone was devoted to ethical training, which consisted of a list of things we could not do followed by explicit examples of how the store would "release you immediately" if you violated the code. These included things like using your employee discount for someone else, stealing (obviously), talking about sales records with competitors, and yes, not disclosing a relationship with another employee.

In other words, if you're going to date someone in footwear you need to tell your supervisor. If you don't and they find out about it, you are immediately released. So it was the case, it appears, with L and N -- both supervisors in different departments. The kicker, according to my co-worker was that they didn't spill the beans rather L told her friend and co-supervisor C and C told her superiors.

"That's just wrong," said my co-worker, "And it's so stupid because N and L only went out for like 6 months and then broke up. No harm, no foul as far as I'm concerned. Can you imagine your friend telling on you?"

Working retail is a lot like being IN high school as opposed to teaching in a high school.

This is when the story gets tangled or, at least, when I get tangled up with it. C is my supervisor and she recently asked me if I would be willing to walk her dog two days a week for the month of April. This was a favor on my part since I didn't charge her my full rate and she lives about 20 minutes from my dog-walking area. Still, it was only for a month and the extra money would be good for business.

So now, every Wednesday and Friday I make my way to my supervisor's house and walk her very sweet older dog. In the process, I've learned more about C, a woman I didn't really know, but treated with respect since she was, after all, my supervisor though she is 25 years younger. In the basement of a beautiful old house, she shares her small apartment with her dog and apparently, with someone else or previously with someone else. She lives, it appears, a life solely focused on work. It feels lonely to me and in that sense, I find myself having sympathy for her where no sympathy existed before.

"I'm kind of in flux," she told me one day. "There's a lot going on in my life right now," she added in an email. And then later, "I might be moving so I'm not really sure if I'll need you after April."

As more and more unfolds, I've softened a bit. She's a cold person, that's for sure, and focused on getting ahead at work climbing the retail ladder quickly and efficiently. But in her personal life, something's gone terribly awry and even the dog projects a kind of serious sadness about it all.

I don't really want to know what's going on and I'm certain NOT to share any of it with my co-workers. If she wants them to know, she can tell them, but at this point our "relationship" is undisclosed.

"Are you worried that it's unethical not to tell someone?" Ann asked me the other night.

"It's business," was my response, "not personal." But the more I walk the dog, the more I let myself into her house and see her side of life, the more I see there is another half of the story. Her story doesn't end with her role as my supervisor. There is nothing as dramatic as an escape route over the Alps, but more complexity exists between work and the rest of her life.

I have no idea if her friendship with the fired supervisor has any relationship with her possible move from her home or her need for a dog walker. Perhaps all the chips just fell the wrong way all at once, which happens to all of us throughout our lives, or maybe the falling of one chip created a cascade of all the rest. I don't really know nor do I really want to know, but the other night, flipping through the Sound of Music (of all movies), it struck me that we are all made up of more than one story. Our chapters overlap the chapters of others and in the process, our stories grow more and more complex. We are novels as thick as War and Peace, as sad and entertaining as The World According to Garp. We are a Farewell to Arms and The Wizard of Oz all rolled into one. We are the Sound of Music from beginning to the unexpected and unremembered end.

PS -- The next day, I saw this movie on You Tube -- the next chapter!

What Brothers Want

Not my brother, but it could be!

My brother is a good guy. I love him a lot. He's older (and soon will be getting older) than me, but I think the age difference served me well. I looked up to him in many ways and now that I'm 50, I still do.

But I won't get too mushy here since the reason for this post has more to do with his demanding side than his loving side =-).

Ann and I went to Mexico. My brother wrote emails and skyped us to find out about our trip. He wants pictures, he said. He wants to see our adventures. He wants to know what our little corner of Mexico was like so he can compare it to his little corner of Mexico.

Geez! Okay big brother...here are more photos...love ya, man!

The town plaza...much more lively at night when it's cooler.

Ann and Lisa at the Beach of the Dead -- Dead because it's near the cemetery.

A bit tired, but the flowers make up for it!

Ann catching a wave.

It's almost Easter so I thought I'd share a religious photo taken at the cemetery by the Beach of the Dead.

Ann sleeping in the sun, though NOT in the sun as it were.

How brave am I? Sharing a photo of ME in a swimsuit, doing the thing I love the most! You big lady!

Our first night at our favorite restaurant!

On the way down the steps (147 of them) to the beach.

My favorite photo looking back at the beach where we spent most days.

Yes, a mosque in Mexico. Colorful, eh?

Not our beach, but a neighboring one. Very empty because the riptide's a killer.

The deck outside our bedroom. I forgot to take a photo of the bedroom. Oops.

The blue room in between the bedrooms.

A look back from the living room to the kitchen. Yes, they now have recycling! Yahoo!

From the kitchen back to the living room.

The view from the upper deck to the flowers stretched over the lattice overhang.

A view roughly to the north from the upper deck.

Our house with Lisa and me sharing a moment in the distance.

I have a million more, but I'll wait until my brother demands MORE.

Love ya, man!

Waves of Change

How we handle stressful situations says a lot about who we are as people. I get agitated and my brain slips into overdrive trying to figure out solutions. President Obama, it appears, breathes deeply and sallies forth undeterred by Republican rancor, royal protocol, or this audacious recession/depression we find ourselves slogging through.

We traveled to Mexico this past week and yes, the photograph above was taken at one of our favorite restaurants in Sayulita, (the town where we stayed) -- Burritos Revolucion!.
Our vacation was relaxing and rejuvenating. We swam, ate, slept, walked, ate some more, played games, and yes, dealt with some stress, but only on the last night of our stay. It went down like this:

The Casa where we stayed, high atop a hill where the cool evening breeze kept us happy, is completely open. Aside from the locked gate upon entry, there are no other doors except for those going to the bathrooms and bedrooms. Ironically, even the bathrooms have "open windows" to the rest of the house with only large plants to block full view of one's nakedness.

A view of the porch with the house to the left and the gardens to the right...

Consequently, the rental agency offers a hotel safe bolted to the adobe shelf in the one kitchen closet. There we kept our passports, wallets, extra cash, and other valuables whenever we left the house. Sayulita is known for its food, its surf, and its hospitality -- everyone knows everyone or at least everyone knows someone who knows someone else, but with the increase of Americanos, there has also been an increase in theft.

So every morning, before we headed to the beach or to breakfast or for a journey through the town we locked up our "valuables" under the special combination we'd agreed upon in the steel safe bolted in the closet. On the last night, I went to open the safe to retrieve our flight itinerary double checking exactly when we needed to be at the airport...

...only the combination didn't work. ERROR ERROR ERROR the safe squawked and the more we tried the combination, the more it beeped at us and the more I panicked. Our passports, our money, all of our ID, the cell phone -- EVERYTHING was in the safe. Without entry, we couldn't get home and despite the glorious time we'd had in Sayulita, I was ready to come home.

We traveled to Sayulita with our good friends Jeanne and Lisa. We travel well together and sharing a house is always stress-free and wonderful, but it was at this moment of stress that our true colors emerged and like a psychological exam, our quirks came to light.

I went into overdrive trying to figure out our options. I couldn't sit down. I paced. I implored. I wrung my hands and pulled my hair.

Ann tried to calm me down, but at the same time, worked the problem solving angle with me going back to step one and reading the instruction booklet that came with the house (to no avail I might add -- you'd think "How to break into the safe" would be an important chapter in the manual, but no.)

Lisa, on the other hand, developed what she at first called "heartburn" that then turned into "indigestion" that later turned out to be Montezuma's Revenge. While Ann and I flitted around the house in worry and problem-solving mode, Lisa tried her darnedest NOT to throw up on the beautiful Mexican rug in the living room.

Meanwhile Jeanne, the hospital administrator who handles crises almost daily, sat in her chair and watched us. Her advice? Wait until the morning, ask the house manager (Ramon) and stop freaking out.

Wait until morning? You don't tell a person like me (uptight, nervous, and worried) to wait until the morning. Besides, no one knew exactly when Ramon would be around, we had to leave by 9:30 to catch our plane (though there would be no traveling anywhere without passports or ID or money), and we weren't certain if Ramon knew how to break into the safe.

I must say, I was astonished at Jeanne's calm. I suppose that's a necessary role in any crisis situation, but I was a bit miffed that she wasn't in the same frenzy I found myself in. You know, when in crisis you always want everyone else to behave the way you do...it only makes sense. Ha!

We are all different, aren't we? In some ways I suppose the world needs those who problem solve out of panic as much as we need those who thoughtfully practice patience. Let's just say, she was the Obama in the situation and I was -- well, I was more like Paul Krugman, the doubting Thomas, the person who's certain everything we are doing (or not doing) is wrong and will therefore fail.

In the middle of this odd scene -- me in a panic, Ann not quite panicked, but soothing mine, Jeanne contemplative and calm, and Lisa about ready to hurl her fish taco onto the floor -- I remembered that one of the owners of these hillside casas was in the house (his house) right above us.

Let me step back a moment and tell you one other quirk of mine (besides panic and overdrive problem solving): I am not a good initiator. For instance, I'm not good at making phone calls to people I don't know, I rarely complain about food at a restaurant and never send it back, and I'm not someone who would willingly walk up to a stranger's house late in the evening, and ask for the combination that gets us into a locked safe.

But there I was, walking up the garden path to this amazingly beautiful house to find someone I did not know, had never seen before and ask him if he could help. Ann went with me (she's always so supportive of my neuroses). I won't go into all the details, but it turned out that Cap (the man in the house) was warm, welcoming, and willing to help. He gave us the "secret" code to try and if that didn't work, "come and get me!"

As luck would have it, the secret code didn't work so for the next hour, Cap problem solved with us! He called his sister (who owned the house), searched for a "jumper cable" to override the possible dead or failing batteries, and punched in the secret code again and again aghast that it didn't work. He called his sister once again (back in the US) and she gave us the same advice we'd heard from the locals all week long -- relax, take a deep breath, have another beer, and try again.

None of us drink, but we did the rest and lo and behold, it worked. Why it worked, we have no idea, but I could feel the stress leave my body the moment the door opened and I saw my precious passport. At which point Lisa headed to the bathroom where she spent the rest of the night (off and on) battling Montezuma.

We are home now and safe, after a long journey back though we still have visions of Sayulita to keep us warm...
In hindsight, I think I'm glad that Obama is more like Jeanne than like me, but I'm also glad there are Paul Krugman's in the world, too.

Coming Back to Breathing

Each night, when I curl up on my side to go to sleep, I can feel my heart thub-thubbing. I worry about it at times, but my doctor assures me that it beats well and strong though occasionally, the thub pushes harder than the thubbing making the second thub feel hesitant. It's hard to explain, but when I feel the lopsided push my breath alters a bit and then, as if there is nothing else to think about in the world, I focus solely on my breathing.

I wish this was a meditation, but it's not. When I focus on my breathing it all feels wrong as if there's not enough air coming in or too much air going out and I find myself inhaling and exhaling without rhythm or ease. It's exhausting. At first, I try to turn it into an exercise, fully concentrating on each breath in and each breath out, but I can only maintain this for a short while never having mastered the art of meditation. To fall asleep I must concentrate on something else -- focus my attention on a detail of the day or a story I wish to tell and then, after awhile, I'm lost in my brain and not in my lungs.

It's not only at night that such obsession happens. During the day as I work around the house or sit at the computer, I realize how little I'm breathing, how my intake of breath is short and shallow and my release tight and staggered. My mind focuses again on breathing with more intention, regulating that which should be natural but feels superficial and stagnant.

The only time breathing feels right, the only time my body feels enriched by oxygen is when I'm walking or exercising.

Yesterday we went for a late afternoon walk with the dog. We call the walk "Up and Over" because we walk up the big hill to the east and back down it to home. A friend's parents are visiting from Illinois and they came for dessert the other night. When asked how they liked Seattle, they continuously commented on the steepness of the hills. "Walking is a challenge," said the father and yesterday, as we were climbing up the long hill I considered his perspective.

I have known nothing but hills in my lifetime and each hill requires strong breath. Even when my mind focuses on my breathing, I don't get trapped inside of it like I do at night when I'm trying to fall asleep. My breath has a life of its own with each push of my legs up the steep grade. Instead of obsessing about each exhale and inhale, I can watch them from a distance knowing my life depends on the depth and release of breath. It's a partnership of sorts and then, only then do I feel as if I'm meditating.

The same thing happens when I'm swimming though I understand why much better. Swimming, by nature, is rhythmic and each inhale and exhale is confined to an exact movement, a precise moment in a stroke. When I first practiced breathing both to the left and right while swimming, I tired much more quickly unfamiliar with the rhythm. Now, the breathing every third stroke feels natural and balanced, but it took time and patience to adjust. Somehow, I can't find that cadence while trying to fall asleep or during my day when working on a project.

I come back to breathing often -- in my thoughts, in my writing, in those moments when I need it most. We are about to travel to Mexico, for instance, and I dread the plane trip down and the plane trip back. The nervous passenger. I can breathe, but it takes meditative focus to keep my breathing steady, strong, and substantial. Such focus exhausts me. I can feel the tension rise in my neck and back and tie up my body in a gordian knot.

When we arrive in the village where we'll be staying, once we get settled and unpacked, the first thing I will do is take a walk -- no matter the time -- and find myself a hill. Then I'll hike up and down it as many times as it takes to find that rhythm of breath I so crave.

Perhaps then, after I've sweated a bit in the Mexican heat, I'll be able to sleep in between my breathing, resting on that bubble between full and empty.

The Dangers of Walking Dogs

Lately, I've been feeling my age. Well actually, maybe I've been feeling my past. My right foot hurts both in my heel where I have a serious case of tendinitis called, of all glorious names, Haglund's Deformity, and in my big toe where I've developed a bunion that flares from time to time.

My left leg hurts from a nagging case of sciatica fueled by a bulging disc in my back and a hip bone that is twisted and smooshed from a shorter left leg. In my right elbow, I've pulled something that makes it difficult to pick up anything heavy. I need to take some time today to do some serious stretching to relieve the tightness in my back, butt, and legs.

When I wake in the morning, I limp and shuffle to the bathroom and achingly squat onto the toilet. The walk down the stairs is assisted by the hand railing and I'm sure to take one step at a time.

I am only 50 years old though on days like this the "only" feels like a cruel joke. Yesterday, I was a couch potato unable to really feel motivated to do anything other than shop for groceries and make some bread.

I know all of this makes me sound cranky and whiny, but mostly my aches and pains make me feel reflective. As I moaned and groaned yesterday from the couch, worrying out loud about my condition, Ann consoled me by saying, "It's okay to relax. You work hard walking dogs all week long. You need to rest. Let yourself rest." (See why I love her?)

I know that many of my injuries are irritated by walking dogs. I walk about 3 hours a day and second only to my shoes, my body is taking a beating. But my injuries are leftovers from a lifetime of competitive sports and I can trace each kink and cringe to that volleyball season where I played with a sprained ankle, the track season when I raced with a pulled hamstring, the endless practice sessions where I jumped up and down stairs (with 25 lbs of weight on my back) to build strength in my legs, and the hours of diving after volleyballs, basketballs, baseballs, and god knows what else.

So now, when I walk -- just simply walk -- all those nagging injuries flare up in weird ways. My feet have taken the worst of it, the roots of my ability to run fast, jump high and far, and lift heavy objects. I wear orthodics in my shoes and my shoes must be incredibly supportive in order for me to buy them. And then they only last about 5 months if I'm lucky, wearing out like butter in the sun. When I wake in the morning, I must stretch my feet for a good 5 minutes before I can attempt walking and all the rest of it -- the sore butt, the sore back, even the elbow -- I know come from my crappy feet.

And now I'm attempting to make a living by walking dogs (and throwing the ball for them) during the day and standing at a retail job at night. In between it all, I sit at a computer and work on my writing and even that has detrimental effects on my aging body.

This was something I hadn't predicted when I left teaching and entered a world that focused on my feet, on my body. True, I've lost about 12 pounds and I know I'm in good cardiovascular shape, but oh how I hurt, which is something I never would have guessed would have be the outcome of such a career move.

All of this is to say, I'm not ready for a 9-hour shift today. I'm dreading it, in fact because I'm scheduled to work in the pack department, on a Sunday, during a sale. That means I will be lifting 30 pound loaded packs on to small women and tall men all day. I will squat down to fill the pack on the floor, hoist it up onto a back, and lift it back off again and again and again until it fits the customer in such a perfect way they're ready to fork over teh $250+ to purchase it. In between the bazillion customers who've come to the store to take advantage of the sale I'll rearrange packs hanging on the wall, clean up the pack display (people just rummage through and throw those packs hithter and thither), and restock the department with packs stored on high shelves in the warehouse.

All for about $90 for the day.

And tomorrow, it begins again though I am thankful that I only have two dogs to walk followed by a much shorter shift in the pack department (5 1/2 hours instead of 9).

Who knew such a career change could beat me up so?

Okay, I must go and stretch before donning my green working vest and hoisting packs onto the backs of eager hikers.